Forever Stained Crimson
by Gwydion
Summary: Where normally there were sparks of electricity and high pitched beeps and boops there was now a red liquid dripping from her tessen and a gurgling sound emanating from behind the soldier's mask. This wasn't a Footbot; it was a regular, human Foot Soldier. And she had just killed him. (Rated T for mild gore.)


Disclaimer: I do not own Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Rated T for mild gore.

 **Forever Stained Crimson**

So caught up in the heat of the fight, it wasn't until a sticky, red drop splashed against her freckled cheek that April knew that something was wrong.

The day had started as typically as any other, with she and Casey hanging out in the lair. As was all too commonplace nowadays, Casey and Donatello had eventually found something new to butt heads over, and, tired of their bickering, she had declared that she was going to visit Murakami-san for some pizza gyoza. Upon hearing her plans, both boys had instantly gotten into a war as to who should escort her, insisting that she shouldn't be out alone with the Foot Clan practically owning the city in the absence of the Kraang. Desperate to leave the stifling environment and breathe some fresh air, she had marched over to the only other occupant in the room.

Raphael was seated in the pit when she yanked him to his feet, practically dragging him toward the entrance. If she was going to be forced into the buddy system, she was at least choosing her own buddy. He had seemed surprised but followed her nonetheless, leaving Casey and Donnie, for once, speechless.

But the good news had ended there as they found themselves surrounded by Footbots after barely even escaping the sewers. Never one to turn down a fight, Raph had almost seemed pleased by their predicament as the two had drawn their weapons and stood back to back in the narrow alleyway. As the robots came at them, she was able to hold her ground, but she could tell that Raph was doing everything he could to keep as few from getting to her as possible. The Footbots, however, had begun to drive them apart, and as she had felt him slowly inching away, she had whirled around in an attempt to close the gap before anyone could sneak up behind them. But somebody already had. With barely time to react, she'd gasped and swung her tessen, cutting a deep gash in the robot's throat.

Except this one wasn't reacting the way every other Footbot reacted. Where normally there were sparks of electricity and high pitched beeps and boops there was now a red liquid dripping from her tessen and a gurgling sound emanating from behind the soldier's mask. Her eyes widened. Time almost seemed to stand still as she raised her free hand and wiped the stray drop from her cheek, mechanically turning her gaze to her fingers. Her brain screeched to a halt as soon as it registered what it was and what she had just done.

It was blood. This wasn't a Footbot; it was a regular, human Foot Soldier. And she had just killed him.

"April! Watch out!"

Raph's commanding voice shook her out of her stupor but not soon enough to dodge the sickle being aimed at her chest. Before she had time to even blink, however, a sai was driven into the robotic skull of her attacker. As it crumpled to the ground with a loud clang, she stared at the downed Footbot, her heart racing. Trying to calm her breathing, she suddenly became aware of the fact that the alley was now eerily silent save for the occasional crackle of electricity from the destroyed robots. The fight was over.

"Hey! You ok?"

Two large hands gripped her shoulders and spun her around, giving her small frame a light shake. Looking into Raphael's green eyes, she could see traces of worry peeking out from behind his usual gruff exterior and knew she had to say something.

"Yeah... yeah, I'm... it's just..."

At a loss for words, she went to hold up her tessen, knowing he'd understand once he saw the red coating on the razor sharp edge, but she was startled to find she was no longer holding it. Her head whipped around, searching the ground for her lost weapon when her eyes fell upon a growing pool of blood. Her breath was suddenly caught in her throat, and a wave of dizziness crashed over her. Had it not been for Raph's hands still gripping her shoulders, she was sure she'd have collapsed.

"April?"

No further words came, but she guessed by the tightening of his grip that he had followed her gaze, now a witness to what she had done. She quickly brushed off his hold on her and knelt down on the ground, finding her discarded tessen at her feet. Fighting back the nausea as she saw the blood splattered along the pattern of the Hamato Clan, she picked it up and stiffly walked over to the slain Foot Soldier's head. It was difficult to get close without stepping in all of the blood, but there was something she had to do. Crouching back down, she held her breath and reached for the black mask.

"Don't."

A large, green hand was gently curled around her trembling arm, not allowing her fingers to even brush against the blood stained material. She tried to compose herself before responding, but her voice still shook as she spoke.

"I want to see his face."

"No, you don't."

The effect of the words was immediate. Whipping around to face him in anger, she grit her teeth, her eyes gleaming with tears threatening to fall.

"Yes, I do! I just killed him, Raph! I mean, look at him! He's barely taller than me and built like a rail, just like Casey - he was probably just a kid!" The tears began tumbling down her cheeks, her blue eyes wide and frantic. "I killed a _kid_! He could even be a classmate, someone I see every day in the halls at school, and I just -"

She was abruptly cut off by two strong arms grabbing her around her waist. Before she had a chance to even comprehend what the oddly silent turtle was doing, she found herself hoisted over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, and he began carrying her away from the scene, her tessen tucked neatly away in his belt.

"Let go of me!" Balling her hands into fists, she began furiously pounding on his shell as he scaled the fire escape of the nearest building. "Put me down right now, Raphael! You don't understand!"

Once safely on the roof and away from the carnage below, she felt herself being lifted and then promptly dropped, her tailbone hitting the concrete hard. She tried to hold back a wince as she wiped her leaking eyes and nose with the back of her hand, glaring daggers up at her captor. It was obvious that his temper was boiling just below the surface, but he had his arms crossed tightly across his chest and was breathing deep and slow as if fighting to retain his composure. When he finally spoke, his words came out strained and clipped.

"Leo and Mikey did it, too."

April was sure her heart had skipped a beat. "...what?"

The harsh look he'd been directing toward her softened, his stance relaxing ever so slightly as he continued. "Shredder's been sending humans out with the 'bots ever since we came back to New York. In the middle of a fight, it can be hard to tell the difference. Leo did it first - stabbed the guy in the chest. About a week later, Mikey slit a guy's throat with his kusarigama blade, just like you did."

Subconsciously, her hand reached for her throat, the image of the fallen Foot Soldier flashing in her mind. She could taste the bile in her mouth as she pictured Michelangelo standing in her place, blood dripping from the tip of his blade. The mental image was unsettling. Mikey - of all of them, he seemed the least capable of performing such a brutal act. He felt so young, so innocent...

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Raph shrugged and looked away. "Didn't wanna worry you. Leo was quieter than usual, and Mikey had trouble sleeping for a couple of days, but they've been doing okay. I mean, we figured it would happen eventually. You can't use weapons like ours and expect whoever we're fighting to always come out alive." As the implication of his words struck him, he quickly glanced back at her. "Not that we're trying to kill anybody, but better the bad guys than us."

His rather calmly delivered, blunt response unnerved her. Keeping her gaze locked with his, she sniffed quietly and frowned. "But you could have at least warned me about the human Foot Soldiers! If you had -"

Her mouth snapped shut as Raph suddenly crouched down, leaning in toward her once their faces were level. Instinctively she pulled back, the tip of his nose mere inches from her own, though she refused to break eye contact.

"If we had, you wouldn't be sitting here right now. You would have hesitated. And hesitation leads to vulnerability."

He spoke with such conviction that April was unsure of how to respond. She wanted to protest, insist that he was wrong, but instead she simply blinked and watched as the turtle sighed and backed off, settling into a sitting position across from her.

"Look, we just didn't want you to get hurt because you were too worried about something like this happening, alright? Instead, we all swore to keep any humans mixed in with the Footbots away from you so accidents like tonight wouldn't happen."

Well that certainly explained why they had been so insistent she take someone with her. She briefly wondered if Casey knew about the human Foot Soldiers, but the question stayed on her tongue as Raph's solemn tone broke her train of thought.

"But I was sloppy. I wasn't paying enough attention, and I missed one. This is my fault, not yours."

The genuine sincerity in his voice nearly convinced her to believe him. It would be so easy to place the blame on him - or any of the turtles, for that matter - for keeping her in the dark while failing to keep her safe. But she could still clearly see the sharp edge of her weapon cutting through the exposed neck and hear the awful sound that escaped from the ninja's throat. She shook her head, guilty tears continuing to fall.

"No, Raph, it _is_ my fault. You had no right not telling me, but I'm still the one that did it. He... he was suddenly standing right _there_ , and I... I just reacted..."

"And that's why you're not dead."

Drawing in a shaky breath, she tried to blink away her tears as she felt a strong hand on her shoulder. Raph was looking at her with such intensity, as if silently imploring her to for once in her life stop being stubborn and just listen. His voice lost it's usual gruff edge as she gave him her full attention.

"Your training saved you today. That guy wouldn't have hesitated to kill you if you hadn't struck first. None of us want to kill anybody, but we are trained to win. If you fight to not lose, you're only putting yourself and everyone else at risk." His voice grew stronger as his eyes narrowed. "This is what it means to fight with us. Nobody wants to see you get hurt like this, but we'd rather help you through it than watch you die."

April couldn't help but stare wide eyed at the strangely serious turtle. The direct admission was startling in it's honesty, and her chest suddenly felt tight. The wave of emotions that had hit her that night suddenly became a flood, and as a well of fresh tears began to overflow, she reached forward and buried her face in Raphael's chest. She felt his body stiffen in surprise beneath her as she no longer tried to muffle her sobs, but after only a few moments, she felt one tentative hand touch her back and then another and soon she felt his muscular arms wrap around her. They held her tight, as if willing her to stop shaking, to stop crying, but she was grateful for his silence as she knew that this was something she couldn't bottle up.

As they sat there without saying a word, her mind wandered back to when she'd first agreed to train with Master Splinter. When he had approached her about the possibility of becoming a kunoichi, her response had been one of excitement. She had wanted the ability to - as she'd so delicately put it - kick everyone's butt and had even nonchalantly joked that training couldn't be worse than high school. It had never once occurred to her that the skills she was learning could deal out death so easily. She'd been naive, thinking her hands would somehow miraculously remain clean while fighting off aliens in robot bodies, humans mutated into monsters, and deadly ninjas who could kill her without ever being seen.

...he could have killed her. He _would_ have killed her.

The moment had gone by so fast that her mind had never properly registered what he was planning to do. She knew that Raph was right. Much as she liked to think herself invincible, had the Foot Soldier landed his blow, she would be the one laying in a pool of her own blood down in that alley right now. The thought was terrifying. Her father would be all alone, Raph would feel guilty thinking he'd allowed it to happen, and she...

Sniffing loudly, she forced herself to take a deep breath. While she knew that she would be living the rest of her life knowing that there was blood on her hands, the important part was that she was indeed still living. Her friends and family would help her get through this. It would hurt for a while, but she would be okay. That unknown Foot Soldier had chosen his own path, putting on that black mask of his own free will.

That black mask with the big, red eyes. Exactly like every other Foot Soldier.

"Why wouldn't you let me see his face?"

April waited patiently for Raph to speak, and when he finally did, his voice was low, a twinge of pain barely noticeable in his tone.

"Because that's why Mikey couldn't sleep. He saw the guy's face, and kept seeing it every time he closed his eyes. I didn't want the same thing to happen to you."

She could feel her heart breaking even more for the youngest turtle. Knowing that he'd been suffering at night while remaining his normal, optimistic self during the day made her feel like immediately running back to the lair and giving him a big, sisterly hug. But she knew she would be little comfort now, and deep down, she was grateful that Raph had learned from his brother's experience. The unknown identity of her victim might leave her forever curious, but perhaps it really was better this way.

Having finally calmed down, April pushed herself back up, and Raph's arms immediately let go of her. As she rubbed the wetness from her eyes and cheeks, she could practically feel how awkward the turtle felt after such an intimate display of emotion. Glancing his way, she found him practically boring a hole into the roof with an intense gaze while rubbing the back of his head, clearly not used to dealing with a girl suddenly breaking down crying in his arms. She couldn't contain a small smile at seeing him so flustered. Clearing his throat loudly, he finally broke the silence.

"Look, if you, uh, wanna talk about this or something, you should probably ask Leo. Or Mikey, I guess, depending on whether you want someone who's gonna help you cry it out or work through it rationally. I mean, you can talk to me if you want, but in case you didn't notice, I'm not real good at this sort of thing."

The look he gave her could almost be described as apologetic. Her smile grew as she sniffed softly, a light chuckle escaping from her mouth.

"I don't know. I thought you did okay."

She almost missed the blush that darkened his cheeks as he promptly stood and turned away from her, stretching.

"We should hurry up and get to Murakami's. There might be more Foot on the way."

It was obvious that he was merely trying to change the subject. After all, they'd been sitting on that roof for a while with no sign of reinforcements. But she wasn't going to let it go, not quite yet. There was something she still needed to say.

Returning to her feet, she quickly brushed off her leggings and walked over to where Raph was waiting. Before he could run off, her hand darted out and grabbed his, giving it a light squeeze. His head whipped around to face her in surprise, and she merely returned the confused look with a gentle smile.

"Thanks, Raph."

This time the blush was unmistakable as it darkened nearly his entire face. Quickly turning away, his shoulders stiff, it was her turn to be surprised as she felt his grip briefly tighten around her tiny hand, returning the comforting squeeze.

"Yeah."

And with that he dropped her hand and began running for the edge of the roof, only turning back once he'd jumped to the next building.

"You coming?"

Hurrying after Raphael, the two eventually made it to Murakami's noodle shop without any further trouble. As she put in her order, April could tell that the old man was aware of the unusually melancholic atmosphere, but she was thankful that he didn't push the subject. They waited quietly for their food, and once it was finished, she gave Murakami-san a hug and a thank you before heading out again with Raph. It was then that she finally admitted that all she really wanted was to head home for the night, promising to stop by the lair tomorrow.

The turtle had nodded in understanding and escorted her home, mumbling his goodbye as she again thanked him for everything he'd done that night. The thought of going right to bed crossed her mind, but as her dad saw drops of blood on her bright yellow shirt, she knew she had to tell him all about it tonight.

It was painful reliving the moment so soon after it had happened, but the relief on his face at her safety and the comfort she found in his arms was worth it. She knew he was scared for her and that the knowledge that his daughter had taken a life at the young age of seventeen would weigh heavily upon him, but he put on a brave face for her sake, simply asking that she stay away from less populated routes from now on.

After changing into her pajamas, she finally crawled into bed. She was exhausted, both physically and emotionally, but she prepared herself for a long night of restless sleep. As she closed her eyes and the gruesome scene played out before her as she knew it would, she was grateful that the face on the ground was that of any Foot Soldier rather than a teenager. Pulling her blanket tightly around her, however, the scene changed. She was no longer in the alley. Now she was on the roof, and the comfort wrapped around her wasn't a warm blanket but two strong arms. Snuggling deeper into the imagined embrace, her mind finally quieted down, and she fell asleep, her face the picture of serenity.

* * *

A/N: Got the idea for this based on a question I was asked on tumblr. I ended up answering it with a really long explanation as to why I felt the 2012 Turtles had been trained to kill - not that they try to kill or that they want to kill, but that they know they have the ability and aren't afraid to do so if the situation calls for it. Somehow that led to this, and this ended up more shippy than anticipated. But I suppose it's about time I let my Raphril colors fly. Debated on whether or not to put it in the romance genre, but finally said heck with it and did anyway. There needs to be more 2012 Raphril in the world.

And as always, critics and grammar police are appreciated!


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